The Jemima's Witnesses Catechism

We just got back from travelling, and I haven't had a chance to write an entry, so I'm posting something that my wife and I wrote a few years ago--think of it not so much as a repeat as an "unsolicited encore." Back before my wife and I got married, she mentioned that a tv show made a passing joke about a "Jemima's Witness" going door to door. Intrigued, and at my instigation, we drafted the sort of catechism we imagined such a group would write (what else would graduate students do on a weekend?). We ended up going door to door to our friends' apartments with pancakes and tracts and read the catechism aloud. I later included the catechism in an appendix of a paper I wrote on Bakhtin and the genre of "sacred parody." Enjoy!

A Catechism Concerning the Truth Professed by Jemima's Witnesses. Funding was provided by The Foundation for National Pancake Observance and by PANCAKE (Pancakes Aid a Nation's Character and Actualize Kindness Everywhere). A small grant was also provided by the proceeds of National Pancake Week, February 24-March 4, 2001.

Who are Jemima's Witnesses?
Jemima's Witnesses are those who observe the sixth day and keep it holy.

Why do Jemima's Witnesses observe the sixth day?
Because of what the Lord God created out of nothing by His own mighty hand on that day.

What did the Lord God create on the sixth day?
He brought forth each living creature in its kind, cattle and creeping things, beasts of the earth according to their kinds, man in His own image and likeness, and the pancake.

Which of these was the crown of creation?
Though each of these mighty works was good and pleasing in the Lord's sight, he was most pleased with the pancake.

What is the pancake?
The pancake is the most perfect food, being heavenly bread cooked on a griddle, pleasing to the Lord and most fruitful for nourishment.

What ought we to do with the pancake?
Being most fruitful for nourishment, the pancake ought to be consumed in a worthy manner, and not partaken of wrongfully, as the heathen and reprobate do, to their eternal shame and condemnation.

Why do they eat of it wrongfully?
They have been corrupted by the Fall and so, in the futility of their thinking, do not discern the holiness of the pancake.

Has the pancake been affected by the Fall?
Yea, verily.

How?
There have arisen many false pancakes and false syrups into the world with powers to deceive even the elect.

How does one discern the true pancake and the true syrup?
Both the true pancake and the true syrup bear the seal of Jemima, as shown above.

How do we know other syrups are evil?
Because they talk, either audibly, as in the case of the demon-possessed Mrs. Butterworth, or subliminally, as with all other syrups, except those bearing the seal of Jemima.

Where did false pancakes and false syrups come from?
God created man with the capacity to fashion the false pancake and false syrup in such a way that God is the author neither of evil nor the false pancake nor false syrup.

What about blueberries?
What about them?

When should we eat the pancake?
There is a time and a season for all things, so there is a time for the eating of the pancake and a time for the not eating of the pancake.

When is it wrong to eat the pancake?
See above.

Should one fast before consuming the pancake?
One should sleep for eight hours before consuming the pancake, during which time he should examine himself to prepare for eating the pancake.

What should one eat with the pancake?
Sausage and bacon are appropriate companions for the pancake.

Where can one eat the pancake?
You can eat them in a box. You can eat them with a fox. You can eat them in a house. You can eat them with a mouse. You can eat them here and there. You can eat them anywhere.

Is it better to eat the pancake alone, or in the presence of others?
To eat the pancake in the company of the ungodly is an abomination unto the Lord, but the pancake eaten among the righteous is the very life to man, yea, the joy of the soul and the heart.

Who may eat the pancake?
All those who recognize their unworthiness to consume the pancake and call upon Jemima may eat of the pancake.

What happens to the pancake after I have eaten it?
The very light and fluffy pancake is immediately rewarded with the beatific vision, while the soggy and slightly burnt must undergo a time of cleansing in pancake purgatory before being admitted into heaven. The false pancakes will burn forever, where there is weeping and mashing by teeth.

Will I recognize my pancake in heaven?
Due to the glorified nature of the pancake, your eyes may at first be blinded by its shining radiance and so be unable to recognize it immediately, but be ye not afraid, for the pancake will surely know you.

Who may be assured of seeing the glorified pancake?
All those who, from the bountiful provision the Lord God has given unto them, offer up a portion to the Jemima's Witnesses.

Do you prefer cash or credit or checks?
Cash is most pleasing and will result in the most abundant of blessings, but none shall be denied.