The Rogaine Song

According to Energy Australia, the Australian energy supplier, people can help stop an energy crisis by taking shorter showers, and by singing shorter songs in the shower. But what sort of song should they sing?

Well, I woke up this morning in my traditionally incoherent fashion, and, per usual, I had a song in my head. It was Paula Abdul's "Promise of a New Day." Before I knew it, I was singing the wrong words to myself. Serendipitously, I think these incorrect lyrics suggest a solution to the energy crisis. Now, one of the reasons for taking a longer shower is that, Psycho aside, bad things tend not to happen there. Showers are generally peaceful places, and even if we are getting batted in the face with steaming water, it is masochistically soothing water. So what we need to do is make the shower a place of despair and wretchedness. I have been trying to think of the Psycho equivalent for guys, and I think I have it: baldness. Imagine blithely lathering a liberal dose of shampoo on your head, and then staring in stunned silence at a liberal helping of loose hair stuck to your hand. Who wants to be reminded that one's hair is going the way of the Antarctic's ozone layer? We will do all we can to escape such a reminder, even if it involves jumping out of the shower with shampoo still on. Therefore, I recommend that Energy Australia not simply encourage guys to sing "shorter songs" in the shower, but to sing songs about baldness.

I recognize that my recommendation may have some drawbacks. On the negative side, a guy might become so scared of baldness that he will never shampoo or comb his hair again in the fear that more fragile follicles will be doomed by his actions; this might result in a rise in household smelliness and, consequently, divorce. But on the plus side, if guys associate showers with baldness and sorrow, they'll finish up more quickly, and future generations of energy-users will be saved!

It is in that spirit that I submit my parody of Paula Abdul's chorus to "Promise of a New Day." I am only writing the chorus because, if the song is truly effective, guys will not have time in the shower to sing the rest of the lyrics. Paula Abdul's original chorus is as follows:

"Eagle's calling and he's calling your name
Tides are turning bringing winds of change
Why do I feel this way?
The promise of a new day.
The promise
The promise of a new day."

The revised chorus is as follows:

"Hairs are falling out, I'm calling Rogaine.
Tufts are tumbling down and clogging drains.
Will they all fall away?
Then I must get a toupee.
Then I must
Think I must get a toupee."