Shoes--The Terrorist Weapon of Choice

My wife and I are visiting both our sets of parents--a week and a half ago we drove to hers, and yesterday, we got on a plane to visit mine. As of 4:25 pm today, we still haven't received our lost luggage from the airline. A few hours ago I gave up on the idea of languishing in my own filth until my real clothes arrived, so I took a bath and put on some of the embarrassing clothes that I left in the bureau of my old room. These are, of course, the clothes that I had hoped never to have to wear again, such as my underwear that now seems to be imitating the "ripped jeans" outerwear craze.

However, this entry is not about my underwear; it is about my shoes, or "sneakers," to be precise. I am a simple man, and I am a wearer of simple sneakers. Two years ago, I purchased two pairs of black Reebok sneakers, buy one, get the other half off. The first pair behaved in standard shoe fashion until I felt compelled to throw them away once I could see part of my sock. The second pair, at least until four months ago during my last plane trip, seemed normal, manifesting the standard forms of decay one would expect from a year's worth of wear.

But this time, after I went through airport security, took off my shoes, and put them on the conveyor belt ... something happened. "Excuse me, sir; we have an alarm on your shoes. We need you to step over here." They then needed to place my sneakers in some complex scanner thing. I started to put on my coat when they said, "Please wait, sir." They then needed me to stand off to the side, without my sneakers, and have a scanner run all over my body.

Now, I recognize that the government and/or the airline needs to take certain precautions to safeguard our safety in light of terrorism. But I don't understand why a beaten-up old shoe would pose such a threat. Further, I'm really not sure why, if my shoe posed such a threat, they needed to run a scanner over my shoeless body after I had already walked successfully through a metal detector. Yes, terrorists may have all sorts of newfangled equipment that they may smuggle in ingenious ways. What I don't understand is that, if the shoe is the apparent terrorist weapon, what did they hope to find on my body? Did they fear that the shoe was a "sleeper agent," and on my body I carried a gizmo that would awake the shoe and cause it to engage in unshoelike behavior once upon the plane? Had I missed the telltale signs that my shoes had recently been influenced by religious extremists, and there was (ahem) terrorist activity afoot?

Don't misunderstand me: I was not angry that airport security did this. No, the real sensation is complete and utter bafflement, which is worse, and will stay with me until I die, if not after. Much as audience members puzzled over the meaning of "Rosebud" in Citizen Kane, it is as if I heard an airport attendant's last dying gasp, "Beware the--the Reebok shoes of doom," and I am the one shouting, "What--what does that mean--you can't be dead, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" and being taken away by airport security.