Picking on Little Kids

Even though it is playground etiquette for the big kids to pick on the little ones, I realize there comes a time when a kid gets too big. Back when I was a C.I.T. (Counselor-In-Training), having the advantage over the little campers hadn't yet become too bad on the conscience front. Playing games with them was somewhat relaxing: sure, I could not actually shoot a basketball into the basket, but I could stay there until doomsday catching all the rebounds and holding the ball above the campers' heads. (Hey, they wanted me to play! And I am exaggerating my evilness for aesthetic purposes.)

But with greater age comes greater responsibility. Kids are small. Wee, even. They are closer to the ground, and it is bad manners for me to smash them into it, physically or psychologically. This led to a complex dilemma when we were visiting family and celebrating my brother-in-law's birthday. Most of the adults wanted to play older-type games, and one of the kids (around 10) wanted to play Boggle. For those who do not know, you play by using connected, tiled letters to form words. In Boggle, it's not the person with the most words who wins; you only get points if you see a word that no else wrote down. Basically, people who are whizzes at Family Feud will suck. Now I am not a Boggle expert, but I have played it enough that I have certain techniques. I know to look for the word "ted," which is more than just a proper name. Much more. An entire point, in fact. I look for the Celtic spellings of words, like "twa" and "ane." I know that if I see the word "eat," I should look for "ate," "tea," and "tae," and say "boo-yah!" in a Scottish accent if I get the last one.

When friends have game nights (where we get together and play board games), I like to bring Boggle. My wife does not, because she thinks that I "always win" (I don't, of course), and for some reason I don't fully understand, she claims that my supposed repeat victories make her feel guilty--that we have wronged our friends by bringing a game at which I can best them. Now, our friends are welcome to buy a personal copy of the home game and improve their performance. My conscience is clear. If Superman was able to play high school football despite having super powers, I'm okay with bringing Boggle. But ... not with kids. That's crossing the line.

So what do you do if most of the other adults are playing an "older" game and the kid wants people to play Boggle with? Well, you spend less time playing Boggle with them, and more time deliberating, "Am I trying too hard? Maybe I shouldn't put that word down. But what if I'm not trying hard enough, and the other adults stomp on the kid and me?" Now, if you were playing a 2 player game with a kid, like Chess, it would be easy to keep things even: "Oopsy, did I just leave my queen in a thoroughly indefensible position? Funny, our both losing our queens like that." But with several players, two of them other adults, it's more difficult to maintain a balance in which no adult player is getting too whooped. Hold back a little too much, and you seem illiterate. Play too well, and it's clear that you will do anything to purchase victory, even risk making a child cry.

In conclusion, kids take all the fun out of games by making us wrestle with fears of meanness and angst. I say, if they're going to do all that, they must be made to pay for this atrocity. Not only should we allow ourselves to abound in triumph over them; if we are forced to suffer under a "guilt handicap" because we feel bad when we mercilessly defeat children, they should be penalized with a slight point handicap. Maybe they should start off the game with a negative ten in Boggle or something. All I'm asking for is some fairness, folks.