Pluto Has Grounds for Lawsuit

It's official. The big floaty thing in the sky formerly known as "planet Pluto" is now just "Pluto," or "Pluto the dwarf," if you prefer to kick him when he's down. I mean, when he's up. In the sky. Which is a difficult place to kick. But I digress. The point is, Pluto once had the majestic designation "planet," and science has ruled against him. He has no other option, no other means of redress. It's time to take this to the Supreme Court.

Okay, maybe he never was a "planet"; when he was first discovered, scientists mistakenly thought that he and his moon Charon were one planet (or a "Siamese-twin planet," as I like to think of it). But he's come to receive all the benefits of planethood, including having his name honored in mnemonics. (I feel such a sense of loss. What will be the new one? "My Very Efficient Mother Just Served Us Naked?" The ramifications are just too disturbing.) There's a funky legal principle that goes like this: Even if you don't have a "right" to something, if you've had it for a while and come to depend upon it, you deserve compensation for it if it's taken away. (For example, see here and here.) Pluto has suffered a lot from the loss of his name, and it's up to the U.S. to take a stand. You know the U.N.'s a sissy and is going to just let the scientific community browbeat poor Pluto, just because it's a weak and defenseless planet--oops, I mean, "dwarf-planet." (That's right, it's not a nice big Aryan planet like Earth is!)

So just what damage has been done to Pluto? Did he cry like a little girl? No, my friends, it is much worse than that. In the words of Caltech researcher Mike Brown (who recently discovered a Pluto-sized "dwarf-planet"), "Pluto is dead." (As Nietzsche might have added, "And we have killed him.") That seems to me like a pretty big grievance against the scientific community. They performed their inhuman scientific classification experiments on Pluto, and now he's dead!

Now, I know what you're probably thinking: "If Pluto is dead, how can he sue?" He doesn't have any close relatives. But here's what you're forgetting: Pluto is not merely a "dwarf-planet"; he is "god of the underworld." You people in the scientific community made a big mistake when you tried to mess with the one planet in our solar system that cannot stay dead. Sure, Jesus died, came back to life, and didn't sue, but he was all into "Love your Neighbor." Pluto's mad as Hades, and he's not going to take it any more.