Counterfeit Canadian Coins

I have been a coin-collector for a number of years, but sadly, some of my albums only went up to the year 1990 or so. Rather than getting new books or pages to put my coins in, I have simply horded post-1990 coins on the off chance that, someday, they will neatly divide themselves into chronological order. Even though this didn't actually happen, over Christmas, my parents got me pages to put cents/nickels/dimes/quarters/half dollars in! So, over the past couple of days, I have sorted through a rather daunting pile of coins and gotten my collection up to date.

But as they say, behind every happy rainbow, there are a bunch of people who are drowned and aren't named Noah. Likewise, behind every huge pile of happy coins, there is also a story deeply laden with tragedy and greed. That story is called, "Evil Victimizing Counterfeiters." As you might guess, in going through spare change in the hopes of finding a valuable coin, you have to look very closely for certain distinguishing features. For example, the difference between the aptly-named 1999 Wide "AM" Reverse Lincoln Cent and your run-of-the-mill 1999 Lincoln cent is that the former has the "AM" in America separated, the latter has them touching. (See here for "The Top 10 Most Valuable U.S. Coins found in Pocket Change.") Now while I was looking very closely at a number of my coins, I noticed a few ... anomalies. Apparently, a small quantity of recently struck Lincoln pennies depict our famous president as ... a woman! At first, I was surprised that these freakishly weird transvestite coins have been widely unobserved in the recent numismatic literature. Had I discovered an all-new irregular coin?

As you might have guessed, no, I did not find a penny that would be worth hundreds of dollars. I found a penny that is, in fact, worth less than a penny. Apparently, I fell victim to an elite group of trained counterfeitors operating in Canada, who call themselves, "The Canadian government." Their sole purpose is to create counterfeit coins that they can exchange for U.S. currency: these deviously cleverly designed coins are even more deceptive than the $200 dollar George Bush bill. Sure, we're all "pre-emptive strike on Iraq," but we ignoring the festering danger lurking on our own borders! Let's work on the northern "border fence," people.

The sad thing is, there is no real recourse for the U.S. victim of the Canadian government. For one thing, the Canadian government is a monolithic establishment, so there is no system of accountability: "Oh, it must have been somebody else who gave you that coin!" they say. "Oh, you should go bleep yourself," they say.

So, I did what anyone would do. I tried to pass the counterfeit money off to the bank. Naturally, I didn't just say, "Hey, can I exchange this penny for another penny?" That would be suspicious. Instead, I took my huge pile of money--including sneakily integrated counterfeit Canadian coins--and said, "Can you exchange this for me?"

Sadly, my greed undid me. You see, I did not merely try to exchange counterfeit Canadian pennies--I also tried to sneak in a Canadian quarter. Sure enough, after turning in the money, the bank teller called me to the desk minutes later to say that there was a problem with my deposit. "Here, we do not take Canadian money," she said, judgingly. Like they were cursed Aztec zinc or something. She was acting like it was my fault that the coins were Canadian! Admittedly, I had knowingly put them in there, but if I had had my way, the coins never would have been Canadian in the first place! I was the victim here! Sure, my deposits would be federally insured up to $100000--so long as they were not Canadian counterfeit!

Well, Mr. Snide Higher Moral Ground Equal Housing Lender--the joke is on you! Sure, you "caught" my Canadian quarter and made me stuck with it--but my Canadian pennies got past you! So whatcha gonna do now? Accept your looses--or simply victimize more innocent consumers, tricking them into taking counterfeit money that you will promptly refuse to accept back from them? Like me, you will be inexorably drawn to moral depravity. All because of Canada.