Canadian Conspiracy Revisited

Thanks to my wife for calling my attention to the warning, issued just yesterday (Jan. 11), about "Canadian spy coins." Apparently, there are Canadian coins out there "with tiny radio frequency transmitters hidden inside," designed to spy on the movements of key American leaders. As I mentioned in my last blog entry (six days before this scandal broke), I thought I had recently been the victim of a cruel Canadian plot to steal my valuable Lincoln pennies in exchange for pennies with a transvestited Lincoln on it.

Now, I learn the plot is far more sinister. At first, I had thought that being left with transvestite Lincoln pennies was merely a side effect of their ploy: in order to get my money at no cost to themselves, they had to exchange my money for something that is worthless to me here (i.e., I cannot sell a Canadian penny for an American penny). Now, I learn that the point was not to get my money so much as to leave me with a tiny radio frequency transmitter that I cannot get rid of! They gave me Canadian pennies because they believed there was no way I could get rid of them!

This raises a number of problems, of course, such as 1. what governmental secret do I apparently hold that the Canadians are trying to keep tabs on me? and 2. how do I get rid of these Canadian coins so that America's future is secure? After my wife read my last blog entry, she suggested that it was "immoral" for me to get rid of the Canadian coins by sneaking them into the bank as regular coins. And, to be honest, I was being hyperbolic in the last entry; it wasn't so much that I was trying to "sneak" the Canadian coins in as that they had gotten mixed in with the American coins, and I wasn't about to search through the whole pile to find them. However, in light of this article, I can say that my wife was wrong: not only is it quite "moral" for me to sneak in Canadian coins, but it is my patriotic duty. I cannot risk the precious governmental secrets my brain holds ever falling into the wrong hands--it is my duty to get rid of the coins as soon as possible, "by any means necessary," as Malcolm X would have said, if he were working for the Bush administration. Sure, you might suggest I try leaving the pennies in places such as the "trash can" or "an ancient Indian burial ground," but I believe that God wants me to be a good steward of the resources He has given me, especially if those resources include cutting-edge surveillance technology. To do anything less would be criminal.